A Very Merry Re-Birthday

May 22, 2018
Today is my Re-Birthday.

I've spent the last four years working hard to find this girl again. This spunky, spitfire who loved with everything in her, raised her chin and eyebrows in the face of the haters and was glad to take a backhanded comment by a tired parent ( "Go jump in the mud, Kiki!") and make it into an adventure in joy.




I needed to understand her, help her, and make peace with her. And I needed her help as well. To reclaim my joy, my spontaneity, my desire to live as my soul was made and not be ashamed of how I am. To take all the things that could seem negative about myself and claim them as my gifts.

It's hard work to look inside yourself and be unflinchingly honest. It's a difficult truth to know that the things that hurt you the most are the places where you are the most tender, and where you are the most tender is where your love springs from. These are not places to be ashamed of or hidden, but to be honored and magnified.


Our deepest insecurities are our deepest gifts. As we come to honor our sensitivities, we gain a quality of dignity. We are less hurt by rejection (Oh, it still hurts, but the hurt is less soul-crushing) because our ultimate commitment is to surround ourselves with people who love us for WHO WE ARE.

As we are able to honor instead of shame, acknowledge with compassion instead of being swallowed up in, the fierceness of our passions, we will be able to practice expressing those passions to the world instead of hiding them and letting them be twisted into instruments of self destruction.When we honor the tenderness of our sensitivities, we become beautiful through the expression of our true self.

There is and always will be work to do, but I feel like claiming this year as my Re-Birthday because I can feel all my parts coming into alignment. And is this not a re-birth and a re-claiming of the self? This is the work; to be present, mindful, honest, and real, to give love and receive it with no expectations, to set your intention and hold it in your mind, to decide what your boundaries are and honor yourself by holding to them, to acknowledge the wrongs you have done and seek to repair what you can, to honor all that has come before, not to be chained down by the past, but to learn from it and move forward. Perfection is not the goal. Peace is the goal.

This painting, Inner Child Work, was done a few years ago. I have to laugh at the Prophetess in me. I had no idea when I did this painting that this would be the work I would be for the rest of my life. How could my soul know how to put an image on canvas that would become the actual representation of hundreds of healing visualizations before they even happen? Because we our our own best healers. The knowledge is in us if we can get out of our head and into our body, our feelings, our dreams, and our spirit.





THREE

maybe i’ve done enough,
and your golden child grew up.
maybe this trophy isn’t real love-
and with or without it, i’m good enough.

maybe i’ve done enough,
finally catching up.
for the first time i see an image of
my brokenness utterly worthy of love.
maybe i’ve done enough.

i finally see myself.
through the eyes of no one else.
it’s so exhausting on this silver screen
where i play the role of anyone but me.

i finally see myself.
unabridged and overwhelmed,
a mess of a story i’m ashamed to tell,
but i’m slowly learning how to break this spell.
and i finally see myself.

now i only want what’s real-
to let my heart feel what it feels.
gold, silver or bronze hold no value here,
where work and rest are equally revered.

i only want what’s real-
i set aside the highlight reel,
and leave my greatest failures on display*

(*worthy of love anyway)

-Sleeping At Last


Happy Re-Birthday, Kirsten

 

Fear, Faith, Forgiveness, and Other F Words

February 4, 2018

Soooooo, it’s been a little crazy. There’s been some stuff. There’s been some things.

You know what the problem is with being committed to growth and awareness? That the universe takes you at your word and provides the opportunities to test your commitment to those goals. You know, growth opportunities.

Sometimes those growth opportunities strip you to the very core of yourself. For me, this last week has laid bare all my most vulnerable and tender layers, brought up deep past trauma...


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Light the World-Matthew 19:14

December 26, 2017
Pondering Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

Last night I went to The Forgotten Carols by Michael McLean with my son's beautiful birth mom. It's been a difficult year for both of us for different reasons and the music and message in this performance touched us both. As in, we were a blubbering, snotty mess. 

One song in particular, Mary Let Her Hold Her Baby, is particularly touching to those of us...
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Light the World-Mathew 25:36

December 26, 2017

Today pondering Matthew 25:36 "I was in prison and ye came unto me."

Our Father in Heaven never meant for this life to be a prison to us, but sometimes the things we go through build up chains and walls around our hearts that keep us from moving towards Him. This last year I've been doing a lot of work on freeing myself from those chains, so I can become what He wants me to be.

A big portion of that work has been reclaiming my "inner child" and settings straight believes that had been twisted ...


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What Does It Mean To Light the World?

December 26, 2017
Today, pondering what it means to #lighttheworld . 

I didn't start out doing these post with the intention of doing one every day. I know myself too well. And I know how busy life can get for me. but I've missed lots of beautiful scriptures this last week that mean a lot to me. "I was a stranger and you took me in. Blessed are they that mourn. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also. Blessed are the merciful. I was naked and you c...
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Light the World-John 5:39

December 26, 2017
Pondering John 5:39 "search the scriptures; for in them you think you have eternal life." This is truth in my life. God speaks to me through the scriptures. The messages are customer tailored for every circumstance of my life. 

The fact that God can use the voice of people long gone to speak to my soul is a miracle to me. He can take things that in context mean something very obvious and make them pertain to my life as if they were written about and for me personally. 

This is the scripture fro...

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Light the World-Matthew 7:1

December 26, 2017
Pondering Matthew 7:1 today. "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

I think the hang up here is the word judge. What does it mean to judge somebody? I mean, we all need to have judgement in our lives, right? We need to know if something is a good idea or bad idea, should I date this guy or not, is this a sound financial decision or not, that kind of stuff. So when we are told not to judge it makes us kind of grimace a little bit. But what Jesus is talking about here is the kind of judgment where...

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Light the World-Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother

December 26, 2017
Pondering the commandment to honor your father and mother. 
I'm thinking about all the times I've felt like I've failed my kids, broke my kids, screwed up my kids. And that's probably a lot. Like, we have a jar where I put money when I swear. Like, I have a therapy fund for my kids. But never did I ever start out with the intention to be a crappy mom. And hopefully the good outweighs the negative in the end. 
Learning this about myself has helped me be more free to honor my own mom and dad. My ...

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Light the World-Matthew 25:35

December 26, 2017
Pondering Matthew 25:35 today. “For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:” Today I ponder it not in the context of physical nourishment, but in the context of spiritual and emotional nourishment. I'm thinking about all the times when people in my life, and even complete strangers have filled an empty part of me with their kindness and compassion. The ability to be able to sit with someone in their sadness or their...
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Light The World-Matthew 10:8

December 26, 2017
Pondering Matthew 10:8 today.
Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking about being a small child and how, as a small child, you freely receive all that life has to offer to you. You take in the love and care that is directed towards you without thinking about it. It is there, you need it, you take it. It's not until you are a bit older that you begin to question those things. Do I deserve this gift? Does the person giving it want something in return that I don't want to give back? I'm thinking o...
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A Little Introduction...


Kirsten Beitler I am an florist, artist, teacher, and single mom of four boys, not necessarily in that order depending on the day! This blog is about all the things that interest me; art, relationships, friends, kids, teaching, adoption, being a Mormon, chickens, divorce, therapy, essential oils, gardening...you know,totally normal stuff.
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All text and images on this blog are my property unless otherwise noted. Please, be respectful.   © Kirsten Beitler

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