My Brush With Life

Soooooo, it’s been a little crazy. There’s been some stuff. There’s been some things.

You know what the problem is with being committed to growth and awareness? That the universe takes you at your word and provides the opportunities to test your commitment to those goals. You know, growth opportunities.

Sometimes those growth opportunities strip you to the very core of yourself. For me, this last week has laid bare all my most vulnerable and tender layers, brought up deep past traumas, opened deep, primal fears that still need healing, and split me open  once again. I guess the splitting open never really ends if you’re open to feeling and wanting to be fully present in your life. It seems to be an inherent risk of being. But as Susan David says in her TEDTalk, The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage, wanting to not feel uncomfortable feelings is a dead persons’ goal.

The theme of this week has been F words.

There’s been some swearing on my part. There’s been some asking for forgiveness and digging deep to find forgiveness to give. There’s been a need to redirect myself from fear to faith over and over and over again.

This can be discouraging for me. I think to myself, “ Self, why haven’t’ you learned this lesson yet? Why can’t you stay in the place of faith? Why is your fear so strong? Why can’t you remember that if you keep God in your center you can enter into the rest of the Lord?” I’ve read and reread  Joseph F. Smith’s definition of the rest of the Lord this week. He said, “To my mind, it means entering into the knowledge and love of God, having faith in his purpose and in his plan, to such an extent that we know we are right, and that we are not hunting for something else….The man (or woman) who has reached that degree of faith in God that all doubt and fear have been cast from him, he has entered into ‘God’s rest’” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 56).

This week a person who I love and trust made a decision to do something that they knew would be hurtful to me. I had feelings of disappointment, of distrust in myself and in this person, and large feelings of fear. I had to fight old patterns of wanting to shut down, disconnect emotionally, and give myself a false sense of control over someone else’s actions by manipulating in all its various forms. I had a choice to make. To choose love or to choose fear; to try to control, or to try and let go with love and hope for the best.

This week some of my family members were in a horrible car accident. Despite the fact that all those family members and the other people involved in the accident were highly protected, this incident brought up powerful feelings of anger for me. Underneath the anger was a great sense of being unsafe and under that feeling of being unsafe was a feeling of great fear.

This week I was at the receiving end of some false and damaging comments. These comments were full of poison and came from someone who has hurt me in the past and was now in a place of shame and hurt and dealing with their pain in an unhealthy way. In my own hurt, I allowed myself to briefly engage in this conversation. These words were untrue and Satan was laughing as he saw them start to take hold of my heart.

In each of these situations, which layered on top of and intertwined with each other in the most heart-wrenching ways, I had the ability to make a choice. I could choose love and faith, or I could choose fear and rejection.

In the middle of these types of experiences I know that God is always with me. He always sends me healing presents, tender mercies that will help me if I’ll be open and look for them and be willing to receive them. I received many mercies in the form of supportive and loving friends and family, in the protection of those I care about, in time to ponder and be, in the healing of the sickness I’d been dealing with so I could have the energy I needed to make it through this week, in perfectly timed conversations with co-workers, in Priesthood blessings, and through music, which can teach on deeper, soul reaching levels than anything else.

I want to share the healing song that God sent me. I listened to it, oh, maybe 25 times since I found it on Friday. I cry/singed it in the car. I read the words. I woke up with it running through my head. I thought it might be helpful to someone out there.

 Fear Is A Liar by Zack Williams

When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

When he told you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

Songwriters: Jason Ingram / Zach Williams / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Fear Is a Liar lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

Friday night I gathered up my boys and we went out into the evening to search for some healing. We found it at a local balloon festival night glow. It was a glorious night. The weather was perfect, the stars were numerous with Orion, the warrior, watching over us. The balloons lite the night with glowing, warm, healing colors. The joy and wonder of the other people present was infectious and palpable. One of the balloon owners let my son crawl up on the basket and pull the cord to control the blast of fire. There was joy on his face and a sense of empowerment. As he did this, I imagined taking all the fears that had built up this week and throwing them in that stream of fire; watching them all burn up and then turn into bits of beautiful colors in the night as they floated up toward the stars where God could gather  them up with love and compassion and understanding.

I lived most my life making decisions from a place of fear. This has led to so much heartache! I shake my fist in the face of my fears. I commit to not letting fear control me or my life decisions. I know I won’t live this conviction well, but good frickin’ heck, I’m going to do my best! I’m trying to trade negative F words for positive ones.

I challenge you to look deeply into yourself and see what you fear and find out why. I challenge you to stand strong and take courage. If I, a ridiculous and imperfect woman and do it, then you surely can.