You know how everyone is choosing a word that will be the theme for their year? I think I’ve found mine. I wanted it to be something like “JOY” or “HOPE” but instead I think it will be “CODDIWOMPLE”. Coddiwomple means to travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination.I feel like I'm being very purposeful, but the exact destination seems to elude me.

This is why Coddiwomple is my word for 2017.

I’ve been looking for a rental for about a month now. I started on the low end of rent, being unsure of what I would have in terms of a budget to work with since my divorce wasn’t final. The things I saw in this price range were so discouraging to me that I became a bit depressed. I could see that finding something we all liked in this price range was going to take a bit of a miracle.

One day on a whim, we went to see a house that was out of my budget. Bam! We fell in love with it. It was perfect for our family. We actually got a little excited to move. And man did we need that excitement. Leaving our home, our ward family, neighborhood, and schools has been a VERY difficult idea for us to all wrap our heads and hearts around. We really like it here. We are safe and taken care of here. Our home is not perfect, but it is lovely and it has been an oasis in so many ways for us for the last fifteen months. To find a place that we were excited about was like a ray of hope.

At first I was worried about money, so I kept looking at cheaper places. But then I got the impression that God wanted me to be happy, to go ahead and chose what would make me happy and He would make it happen. So I said “Let’s do this!”

And then it didn’t happen.

The rental got pulled off the market within a few hours of me deciding to sign the lease. Why? Why the feelings and the impressions? Why get us all excited and then pull it out from under us? It took me a few days to get myself up off the floor and decide on another rental. But then I wasn’t feeling settled about this new place, either. I was starting to feel crazy. I decided to pray and fast about it and all that came was more anxiety. Then my parents called.

There was a house down the street from them. It was being remodeled. It was going to be a rental. It’s very affordable. Did I want to come and see it?

UHHH, NO. NO, I DON’T. I don’t want to move back into my parents ward. I don’t want to live in that area. It’s even further from work, and a thousand other reasons. NO. And then I went and saw it. And again, NO.

But guess what? As I’m praying about this, trying to tell God why this house was a thousand times no, He was sending me a new feeling, peace. Why? Why do I feel peace about something I don’t want to do? And this scripture came to mind. Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Feeling peace about this house definitely passeth all my understanding. And taking it is making my pride smart. I didn’t think I had any pride left, but I guess I was wrong.

I promised God I’d do whatever He asked of me. And now he’s asking me to move into a house I don’t like which might not be finished by the time I have to move and I may actually have to live with my parents for a week or two (heaven help us all. As the kids say, I can’t EVEN with this) and I don’t know why, but I’m desperately trying to shift my thinking on this. How great it will be to have something more affordable and not be house poor, how great it will be to have more family around to help support my kids, how great it is that I know and love many of the people in the area, etc.

I don’t know how, but I know it will all be okay.

So instead of something like “JOY” I choose “Coddiwomple”. I am moving forward purposefully in a vague direction. I know we’re heading somewhere, but where exactly? That I don’t know. Apparently I need to be okay with this. I do feel the peace. And it does passeth my understanding. So I will Coddiwomple towards my new future.